Are you wide to............ Supermarkets?

"Mmm....frozen wookie"

Of course you are. What a ridiculous question. What I refer to is the little routines we go through when traversing this labyrinth of dam fine deals. Shelf after shelf of foods, all scrambling for my attention. I say attention, of course I mean wallet.

Supermarket design is also something inexplicitly universal. Why am I always immediately met head on with carrots and aubergines? I have absolutely no idea why fruit and veg is at the forefront of supermarkets push for profit. If these companies wished to increase their profits then perhaps consider moving the alcohol aisle from the end of the store to the beginning. God knows that the sight of mood altering substances would put us in a better frame of mind when undertaking the task of shopping. Shopping in the incorrect frame of mind can result in many frozen goods being purchased. Nobody likes frozen pizza, peas or even chips. Stop fooling yourself. Fresh food trumps all.

Ah fresh food. Remember the days of free samples being handed out in the aisles. Comely maidens

cooking up and dishing out treats for the family. Many an hour has been spent lurking behind shelves waiting for the right moment to strike. The right moment being the time after the food is cooked but before its all gone. A delicate balance. Alas, these days are no longer. Greedy corporate giants now expect us to buy our own food. Dam you capitalism. I want my free sample(s).

The supermarket experience has changed in the years since my youth. For one, where the hell has the music gone? In the past some inane melody usually wafted through the trolley aisles bent on making you go stir crazy. It usually worked and many people couldn't wait to escape via aisle 2. In recent years however, supermarkets have coped on to the fact that the longer someone stays in their food emporium, the more money they are likely to spend. Money before inane music. Bah! I'm not saying I liked the music but it was all part of the experience. Its like mass without Jesus bread or drinking excessively without making an ass out of yourself. They go together. These formulae should not be trifled with.

Supermarkets these days, especially the German ones (you know who you are) bring an air of sterility to the wonderful shopping trip. Silence, coldness and the sound of other people shuffling between bargains are now the inane music of the present.

?

And then there's the checkout. That conveyor belt of freedom. But you'll pay for that freedom. The silent nod with the checkout girl. And its always a girl. Why is that? Are men not capable of waving things in front of a scanner thingy? Ill have you know that I'm quite capable of waving my things about.

Then the death knell that reinforces your hatred for this place. “That'll be 75 cents”. Those hippys are charging me for using non-biodegradable bags! What is this, communist China? All because I didn't have the foresight to bring my own. Should I be punished for my extreme lack of common sense? I think not. I should be given a medal of some sort. Preferably platinum with diamond inlay. …....what was I saying.