Every summer the entire country is inundated with swarms of continental kids. Actually its more like a planned invasion, with hundreds of them taking up residence in strategic parts of Irish society. And the reason behind this mass exodus from the mainland to Ireland? Well, it’s to learn English apparently. It’s like us heading to Conemaera to learn the cupla focal. There was no talk of heading to Ibiza to learn Spanish when I was a young boy. And why on earth would they pick Ireland as their English educator? God knows we can barly spaek it ourselves.
No, the real reason behind their jaunt to Ireland is to piss off the locals. You can’t enter a shop or get on a bus without 50 of them following you in there. Why the hell do they travel in packs? Are they afraid that one of us shady Irish will steal one of them to buy potatoes and stout? Also they seem to really piss off our own youth. There’s always one Don Juan among them that Irish lasses swoon over. He has that well sexy accent and the skin tone of one of those lads form Hollywood. My god, our women don’t stand a chance. As a result of this Irish lads go crazy and try to out do their rivals by performing more and more death defying acts of coolness. This is why A&E admissions for the summer months increase for youngsters. The lads, on the other hand, despite being pissed off by their rivals, are glad, because puberty now seems complete. The sexy chick that accompanies the continentals is always the most beautiful girl they’ve ever seen. That crumbled up issue of Playboy from 1994 will never be used again. Despite this, however the lads don’t play it cool like the local girls. Instead they lurk in the corners leering at them, not sure whether or not she’s real.
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